Lately I've been really struggling with my decision to homeschool. Why on earth would I want to do such a thing? Ok, I'm not getting into the 'why' right now, let's to stick to the 'whether or not'. I want to homeschool my children. If one could witness the turmoil inside my head over that statement you might think I'm facing things like rocket science (knowing my son, we may soon be), trigonometry, or even READING! But, actually, my oldest child is just a boy of five. Just a not yet kindergartener. I have no fear of kindergarten, or of my ability to teach letters, numbers, science, or of reading lots and lots and lots of books. I'm good with that. I'm able. I do not fear school.
I fear myself. My selfishness. My lack of desire. My days of impatience. My disobedience, bitterness, resentment, anger, ...I said selfishness right? What if my humanness takes over and wins and ruins everybody's lives? No. SERIOUSLY!
I've been traveling around in these thoughts of fear recently, coincidently during the same time that my husband had been working twice as many hours as usually and rarely showing his face in our home. I don't do well on my own, I know this. I know about stress. I know about my personal need for peace and quiet, for 'me time' (selfish time!). Well evidently, I'd forgotten for a while and came to the conclusion that everyone was going to school as soon as possible! GOODBYE! Oh, when I think back to just a few weeks ago when I was right there in the middle of those feelings I can hardly believe how disconnected I felt from my kids. I cant even really get into how I felt because I've always thought people who feel like that shouldn't have kids! Well eventually work slowed down, things returned to their semi-normal level of chaos, and I began to slowly return from the brink of lunacy. Yes, I am an embellisher, but really I'm talking just short of having a packed suit case under my bed ready to GO. Im feeling much better now. But I was ready to quit and we haven't even started yet! I'm a smart girl, I know I will run into places on this journey called motherhood where I will feel like I can not possibly do one more dish, fold one more piece of clothing, wipe another
nose, or sing a bedtime song- at all, let alone doing it joyfully. Can I teach on top of it all when i am up against me? Can I handle it? Them? Can they handle me? Will I ruin peoples very LIVES? Can I really do this? God says I can.
I believe homeschool is the best thing for my family. I believe it's God's will for us. I just need to remember to wait on Him. When i feel like throwing up my hands and packing up lunch boxes, just wait. Wait on Him. Allow my strength to be renewed. Allow Him to replenish me, remind me of bigger things. Bigger than ME, IMAGINE!
The 'why' of homeschool is a sure thing. My obedience to God is up to me. I must remember to not rely on my own strength. To offer up my weariness. To pray. Pray. Wait, and pray.
After all peoples lives are in my hands here...
I must remain in God's
Wow. I just wanted to let you know that in my third year of homeschooling, with a 7 and a 9 year old, I still feel what you are talking about. You are not alone. I often wonder if I am going to ruin them ... ME and MY selfishness. If you are fully convicted of the why and know in your heart that it is God's plan for your family, then you will find the strength to muddle through those tough times. In the grand scheme of things, the bond you will form with your children will be stronger even if there are times when you are "DONE". As you stated, call on God during those tough times. And, find ways to ensure that you DO get that "me time". My girls are 7 and 9 and we still have "Quiet Time" each day (used to be nap time, but now they just read or play quietly or craft or whatever). You will NEED that break. Institute it! YOUR happiness and health (mentally and physically) is SO important to your family! Your journey has yet to begin. Enjoy the ride!
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