"I Want to Drink it up and Take it With Me."

The smell of rain-wet grass

My child's uninhibited laughter
Cinnamon, in late September

I love many many things. I am THANKFUL for so many things, and I've just begun to purposefully write them down. I'm a few chapters into Ann Voskamp's beautiful book, 1000 Gifts...and I love it. It wasn't long after I began reading that I felt I needed to make my own list of 1000 blessings, 1000 things I am thankful to my creator for, the creator of ALL things. I was inspired to look at all the little details around me, to write them down and to acknowledge God's love in them. He has done so many things in creation for the sole purpose of our pleasure and enjoyment.

The song of a robin at dawn

The chubby kissable cheeks of a baby

Cool sand under my feet

This discovery of "Eucharisteo" in Ann Voskamp's book, of living with a heart of thanksgiving, for ALL God gives, has led me to discovery in another area of my life. I know I said it before, but, I love many, many things. When I like something I really really like it. Sometimes and for some people this is perfectly ok. For me, well, it gets me into trouble. It's hard almost impossible for me to get enough of something I really like. Coffee. Chocolate. Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream. I have struggled so much with my tendency to "over indulge" in what I consider to be the "finest things" in life. Ice cream is one of these things, peanut butter, mint chocolate...buttery popcorn. For years I've been trying to figure out the formula to overcome my lack of discipline around these things. What is the healthiest way for me to be? What is the healthiest way to eat? Stay away from red meat? Don't eat wheat? Dairy? Whatever you do (and by you I mean me) never, ever eat SUGAR. No processed foods. No wine. No caffiene. No ice cream. Never.

I've tried everything. The definition of insanity is, repeating the same action and expecting a different result. I just can never figure out what it is that I keep getting wrong? What am I missing, because all that abstinence hasn't worked for me. Still I keep trying again and again, maybe this time I'll be off refined sugars for good. This time I can remain free of all of those terrible no good evil foods! Evil? Well then why were they coming up on my gratitude list?

As I sat there on my couch, eyes closed, meditating on all of the things so dear to me, cherishing them, acknowledging God's goodness in them I was surprised and for a moment felt awkwardly wrong,

Morning coffee
Ghiradelli 70% cacoa
Oatmeal cookie ice cream...

Could I write these things? Was that ok?? How can I be thankful for things that hold so much power over me? It must be wrong. I should only be thanking God for the good things..
Whoa, wait a minute...maybe these are good things...maybe sugar isn't evil??? I've thought about this a lot over the past couple of days. It wasn't until driving home from church today after a completely unrelated sermon that the clouds in my mind parted. In my search for the perfect lifestyle book, spiritual health book, diet book, I have been overlooking the ONE book which holds the real answers. Now, yes, I pray about my struggle, I submit it half-heartedly to God over and over, taking it back every time. I post scripture cards all over my house, I discuss it with friends who love me, but all the time focusing on abstinence. My goal always being to overcome. To arrive at "never", and like it there!

On my drive home today my mind seemed to linger on a very familiar word.


Self-discipline.


I quickly try to dismiss it. I have no self-discipline. It returns. I've tried over and over... There it is again. It would never work. I don't have the strength.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." (Gal 5:22-23)

Fruit of the spirit!?! No law!!!? Where have I BEEN??? I'm not supPOSED to be strong enough. I'm not supposed to figure it out. I'm just supposed to LIVE it out. Live in the spirit. BE in the spirit. ABIDE.

Oh, Lord...God, thank you.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer 29:13)

Love
Joy
Peace

Grace

Can I thank God for God? Yes, I think I can.

Its amazing and wonderful when I learn from something I think I already know. I couldn't count how many times I've recited the fruit, written the names on pictures of grapes and apples as a Sunday school teacher and colored the apples and grapes while singing of the fruit as a child. God has chosen to reveal a need for application to my life now as if the idea were a brand new thing. I don't know exactly what self-control will look like for me. I know that against it there is no law, there doesn't need to be. I'm thankful that I am but a student, a child, learning about The Heavanly Father. I'm thankful for the wonder with which he reveals Himself to me a little at a time. I'm thankful for the Grace that covers me when I get things wrong over and over...and over... I'm thankful for the kids music that was playing in the car when the clouds parted and I thought to myself, "That's me!"

"I want to drink it up and take it with me."

Ocean breeze

I want to drink it up and take it with me

Sidewalk chalk drawings

I want to drink it up and take it with me

Little dirty feet splashing in a puddle
A boy who believes he IS a pirate
A baby's wide excited eyes at her very first taste of ice cream

I want to drink it up

and take it with me.

Built-in Friendship

It seems as if something beautiful may be happening around here...

I think my kids are becoming friends! This might be extremely naive of me but really I've been so worried that my 2 and 4 year old would never get along. I've only been a mother for not yet five years and I fall into the trap of worrying, like REALLY worrying that I'm not going to get things right. How will I know what sport they will be good at, when to start, if they will even like sports? What if I can't afford violin lessons or if I can and it turns out I should have picked saxophone? Those are just a couple of things I actually HAVE some control over. What if my children don't like each other?? I think I can say that so far for they spend about half their time playing and the other half fighting, ok, maybe 40/60. I think I also have to say, for myself, THEY'RE BABIES, relax!

After a very long "up and down" kind of day yesterday I allowed Luke and Kahlan to watch a movie before bed. I just needed to get to the finish line! They always sit on separate couches. Kahlan, who's 2 annoys Luke (4) by sitting too close, putting her feet on him, breathing, etc. I set them up on their respective couches and went about my business putting baby Jane to bed and cleaning up dinner. I stopped between tasks, surprised and overjoyed to see them nestled up together...on the same couch! I pretended not to notice and carried on after soaking it up for a moment. It just really fills my heart to see tenderness between them. I think for the most part it's all up to Luke right now. Kahlan wants to be around him and wants to play with him but a lot of the time he sees her as an annoying thing who knocks over his buildings and steals his toys.

I first noticed this little shift in relationship a few nights ago. They were crazy rambunctious, running around our house (which is not big enough for running around), and driving me crazy. But they were playing together and having so much fun! This is very important to me, fun I mean, I love them to have some good clean breathless fun. And the playing together part wasn't really the out of the ordinary detail, it was the tenderness that followed. At bedtime Luke asked me if I would put on some music for him (sometimes they like to listen to the praise baby channel on Pandora at night). I put the music near his bed because Kahlan was already asleep and he said to me, "Mom, can you put it by Kahli's bed, because I want my sister to hear it while she's sleeping." Oh, my heart! It's gonna be alright, haha! I forfeited my iPad to them for the evening.

Now I'm not naive enough to think that Kahlan will cease to be Luke's annoying little sister. They will fight over toys, which show they want to watch, who's putting their feet on who and so on. But that deeper bond that I've been concerned about, that I cherish so much in my relationship with my own siblings, is beginning to grow. To think of it fills me with so much joy. God has hand picked the five of us to be in this family together and I'm excited about what He has in store. Experiencing the friendship that is going to develop between my kids is a blessing that I must try not to take for granted. I don't need to worry about them, I know this, but not because everything will work itself out. Most things don't really work themSELVES out. I submit my life, my husband children and self to the Lord. And because He is good (and pretty smart too) my worrying about them will not add or take away from the actual outcome of their life situations. Of course this doesn't mean I'm worry free, though somedays I do obsess less about music lessons and karate vs Kung Fu. It does mean that I know I'm not alone. God has been here with me for every diaper change, every skinned knee, every "up and down" day, every moment I feel hopeless and every time my heart fills with the joy of the privilege of motherhood. He loves these kids more than I do. And that's why they'll be ok. That they have the added gift of built-in friendship as they grow together isn't something they need to think much about right now, but is surely something I am grateful for and look forward to being a part of. I love these little people!

"Let Me Do It!"

It seems like such a strange place to start, but, I haven't yet started because I cant seem to figure out how to start. So since I am in the middle of life then the middle is my beginning...

My two year old, was born a middle child I just know it. She is wild. She is goofy. She is a lot of times extremely difficult. There are tears involved, eggshells, meltdowns and scream-athons. There are also belly laughs, tender cherished moments and the heart swelling joys of watching her transition from baby girl to big girl. (The transition can of course include scream-athons and meltdowns.)

I do not like meltdowns. I actually don't like loud noise of any quality and with three children under 5 it's a struggle for me not to "dislike" a large portion of my day. That's where the eggshells come in. I go to certain lengths to keep this shrieking child of mine somewhat happy. Let me say right here that this girl is a ray of sunshine much of the time, people love her, she loves people, she loves life! (Notice I said "much" and not "most", lest we forget...she is 2.) This kid can scream. I remember noticing when she was just a little thing, that her cry was more of a "yell". Yes, she's been yelling at me since infancy and she is LOUD. To add to my dislike of noise is my dislike of the feeling that I am not in authority over my children. Oh does my pride get the better of me so often because of this feeling! Let's hope my kids don't ever realize just how often I feel this way.

The desire to remain in authority and the desire to pacify my wild child are not exactly cooperating efforts. But just this morning I had a very satisfying experience with the two. My girl is in the "Let me do it!" phase, or more accurately put, "NOOO! Let MEEE do ITTT!!!". She's a smart kid, she really does figure things out quickly and it's exciting to see her developing skills. I do let her do most things herself when she wants to try, but I must admit its not always what I want to be doing. The best example to use is when we are in a rush to get somewhere. I really try not to be in a rush but somehow everything that could possibly hold us up seems to happen just as we are ready to go out the door. These are the times when I am least patient with attempted self buckling, zippering, buttoning etc.

What I realized this morning (and my pride is forcing me to explain that I already do this most times, I just never had much of a thought process about it) is that allowing her to do it herself, especially in situations where I am pressed for time and there is potential for a blowout, actualy keeps ME in authority, both over her and most importantly over my own emotions...(please excuse my run-on sentence while I admit that I don't usually excuse them myself). Of course when we allow our kids to try to figure things out on their own its great exercise for their growing brains and increases their confidence and independence, but it's also a great exercise for the parent! The time when I want to say "Not now, let ME do it.". Is the best time to back off. The child I'm talking about is not easily redirected and does not quickly forgive when her will is challenged.

What's likely to happen when I'm late for an appointment, my boy is heading down the stairs to the dirt pile, the baby is crying in her carseat, and Miss Independant decides that she wants to put on the one pair of shoes she cannot put on herself, herself, is a MAJOR blowout. The baby continues to cry while wild child and I proceed to enter a battle over who will get the shoes on her feet. Once she realizes I am determined to do it MYself, her determination tripples in strength. It ends up looking like this: I am on the floor trying to get her shoes on her feet, she is kicking and yelling "I DO IT!" and every time I succeed in getting a shoe on she kicks off the other. Shoes are flying across the room, hair is falling into eyes, babies are screaming, four year old boys are having way too much fun unattended on dirt piles outside and precious minutes are ticking away causing me to be even later for my appointment (my companion, pride again). After our wrestling match which may or may not have ended with shoes on feet, I am angry, she is angry, I carry both her and the baby outside because she is refusing to walk now, I see how dirty my boy is and yell at him to get in the car already, he is angry, I do everybody's buckles because now nobody gets to do anything themselves and I drive to my appointment. Angry.

That's not the mother I'm in this to be. Not her. This morning when my girl grabbed those shoes at the last minute and said "Let me do it!", my insides cringed. My fists tightened and I held my breath a minute. Said nothing, paused. Dont we just need to pause sometimes?? Don't we just need to stop and take control of our words, actions and situations? I paused, I surrendered my pride and impatience to God (after all, we had already agreed on shoes which she removed before getting the new ones, she was being disobedient right?). Ok, you do it told her, still watching the clock, still not wanting to be late. As far as she is concerned she gets to do her shoes. She is not concerned with getting "her way" at the moment, she doesn't quite get the whole concept of authority and she has no idea that I struggle with pride. As for me, I get to keep my cool, remaining under Gods authority, while subtly keeping my children under mine. We are all spared the potential meltdown. I can still be the boss around here while strategically dodging catastrophes by giving just a bit more than is natural for me.

"Mommy I need howp(help)." She said after a few minutes of struggle with the shoes I knew she could not yet do herself. I bent down to help her. "Good job!" She beamed up at me before heading out the door after her brother. I quickly scooped up my baby, keys and coffee and followed after them in an attempt to deter as much unwanted dirt pile play as possible and I herded them into the car. We were on our way with kisses and smiles, (although still a little late!) after they each fastened their own buckles, my girl exclaiming "Mommy I did it!"